The Art Talk

Before Dr. Suess "Green Eggs and Ham" or my gray winter socks from Spain, or even "Maria" from the Sound of Music or my "Pink Panther" cuddly stuffed toy, DRAWING and PAINTING were my first love. At the age of 5, I remember drawing "Superman", not the stick drawing Superman, but the drawing with a body, a cape, an "S" on his chest and his muscles. I was so proud of it that I showed it to my daddy, perhaps he did not appreciate it so much or he was just too busy that he left it somewhere and how I wish I had just kept it then. It was my very first owned possession.


As a little girl in school, my personality  then was pretty different from what I am now. I was timid, shy and quiet. I barely talked or smiled at anyone. During Art Class was when I transformed from a shy Daisy to a proud Sunflower. And now that I have grown into a not so shy woman, and not so timid person, being an Art Lover is something that I never outgrew, something that never changed, something good that had remained in me, and  something that now transforms me into a quiet Daisy from being a proud Sunflower.


Here are some that I want to share. They were painted on Microsoft Windows Paint. You see, I had to ride along with the flow of Modern Technology. I like it because it is less hassle for me. I need not bring paintbrushes, pencils, papers, paints and canvas, and of course mess free!


These are some of my LOVE and what they had to say, (In random order) The Art Talk:

Title: Chasing Felicity

Chasing Felicity - I drew this in December 2009, when I was quite contented with how my career had somehow progressed, and due to that, i could not catch time with my boyfriend then. At the same time, someone in the office gave me a reason to be happy; but only by looking and listening to that person whenever we talked but not being able to express what I had wanted to really say.

Beach House Window

Beach House Window- I have always loved flowers, beaches, the sun, and their vibrant colors. Beaches remind me of my childhood. They remind me of a time when I was 4 or 5 years old; when we visited India in 1984 or 1985. It is still a vivid memory. In that same year, My dad and mom separated (for the first time) due to problems I did not understand. When going to Zambia, Africa, where my father used to work, we had to get on cutting flights since there were no direct flights from my country to Lusaka; Zambia's capital city. Probably my dad was very sad, so we stayed for a week or less in India. I remember staying in a hotel by the beach. In the morning, my daddy, little sister and I would go walking by the beach and I would see my dad's red eyes from crying perhaps, while smoking. It was a sad memory for me but I found calm in that place. I love flowers for it reminds me of my mother who used to love orchids when I was a little girl. Just like this drawing or painting, it is something that I can only see in my memory-just like watching the beach from the window-unclear but still beautiful from afar.

Athena

Athena -Named this art after a Greek goddess, who was known as the protectress of civilized life, the most used expression to describe her was "the bright eyed" and in poetry she is the incarnation of Wisdom, Reason and Purity. The owner of this face is a special person in my life that had somewhat influenced me when we were still working together. I had always looked up to her and adored her. This drawing was not as perfect since I drew it on how I visualized her in my mind. Drew it in July (her birth month) 2009.

Gloomy Afternoon at Bay Walk

Gloomy Afternoon at Bay Walk - This is one of my favorites. I remember drawing this in August of 2009, when I wanted to express the sadness and loneliness being far from the person I used to love, the family I used to have, and the dreams I wanted to achieve but were all out of reach. So, you see the three street lamps symbolize the three that I have mentioned. The buildings symbolize the past, the present and the future. The past-buildings with no lights. The present-buildings with lights. The future-buildings that could barely be seen from afar.

The Lavender Field

The Lavender Field- Another favorite of mine. I drew this early 2009, I just do not remember the month anymore. It was how I wanted to describe this woman who had been significant in my life; (the one I mentioned in my drawing, Athena) someone I considered my calm when I was out of control. By just the mention of her name or when I just thought of what she would say about me if I would lose control during those times, I automatically hold my horses as not to disappoint her. I looked at her as someone who had control over me but she did not know that. I used to think that she was sent to me from above to remind me that even if I did not grow old with a mother, I should still be a better person-difficult to explain but yes, she had somehow been a reason for me to become who I am now.

to be continued.

Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.  ~Leonardo da Vinci

2011

"Perhaps, I am wrong for I have decided to stay away from you. You have no fault or it is not you to blame if I came up with this decision. I have my reasons; they may not be valid but they will keep me sane. I do not want to do things that may worry you; I am too expressive and I am afraid that I may not be able to control what I would always want to utter; and this will be another reason for me to scare you and make you feel indifferent. While you exist in my life, you make me feel that there is this magnetic force pulling every emotion I have for you, from inside me. I feel guilty for feeling that I have no respect on you. I have regrets. I regret my action. I could have just kept it inside. I was a fool and I was wrong for being not culture sensitive. I overestimated you, thinking that you would quickly comprehend something that has to be well reckoned. I forgot that what could be normal for me, could be deviant for you.

I feared that if I confess, you may walk away from me; it may not be immediate, but sooner or later. And I told myself that when I am ready to lose you, when I am ready to live life without your existence, then that is when I will admit the profound love I have concealed for almost three months for you. I was wrong. And now I taste the punishment for my action and savor every drop of it.

You make me strong and then you weaken me. I love you and it weakens me. It may not be the feeling of love that you think, but it is also not a mere admiration. It may be adoration or something deeper than a romantic love. I truly apologize if I look at love in a very profound way, I am sorry that I unintentionally and unconsciously expected you to understand what exactly this feeling is. You were right, sometimes we cannot explain our feelings, because it is something that cannot be controlled by a rational mind. However, let me say thank you for a short yet lovely memory that I will continue to linger on, until my time is gone. I intend to stay longer, but I believe I must leave this “moment”. Someday, I hope that you will totally and fully understand this bursting emotion. If it was quite queer for you, for me it was a very special feeling that I will forever cherish. It is a feeling that perhaps only people who dive the deeper meaning of love will understand...a deeper meaning of love which for most is called “odd”. That odd feeling was once an inspiration; it was once my motivation and once a reason for me to carry on with life’s obstacles. It was a short period but it was once the most difficult part of life, and I survived it, because of you and that odd feeling.

From today, you do not need to remember me. You need not be obliged to talk with me. You do not need to communicate with me…You can move on and not feel any longer embarrassed like what you said.

Tomorrow and in the future, I will always appreciate your existence in my life. I will always remember the month of April. Though I hate summer, it will now have a special meaning. Every summer will remind me of you and it will never be the same again.

In the future, if the door of friendship opens for us again, this time I will vow to never walk out of it anymore.

Thank you for all the happiness that you have made me feel, it was unintentional though.

Have a great life and continue to find the happiness you deserve.

Take care.”

Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence. - Dorothy Dix

The Art of Letting Go…

Letting go of someone who has been a part of your life is probably one of the most painful experience one could ever imagine.  I believe we are never really ready to let go of someone we love or cherish so much, because before we finally do, we go through a process-not only once, but it could be a lot. We go through painful procedures; from weakening trials to getting weary of  going through verbal, psychological, mental, emotional and sometimes physical battles. We keep fighting for that person or for the relationship or sometimes for the length of time being together; we are even blinded by the mistakes done to us, mistakes that were never corrected, mistakes that were never acknowledged; or/and more often than not, were thrown back at us. We swallow our pride for that person, until there is nothing left but the feeling of numbness.

Who among us have loved someone without sacrificing something or someone? Who among us skipped meal once or twice or more, waiting  for his or her call? Who among us went through sleepless nights after an argument? Who among us slept on tear-soaked pillow and woke up with swollen eyes from crying ourselves to sleep? Who among us felt restless when we couldn't reach his or her mobile number? Who among us went through stress eating or not eating at all, after fighting over a football game or a movie? Who among us in one way or another, felt insecure after he or she tells us, “I think you are gaining weight”. Oh well, I am pretty sure that there are more to add to this list. My point is, letting go of someone is not the issue here; the issue here is letting go of someone who is supposedly making us feel good, who should be bringing us to cloud 9 and someone who is supposed to be the reason for our happiness. We don't let go of people who give us all the reasons to live; who bring out the best in us, do we? Like what I have said, we are never ready of letting go someone we love a lot; believe me or not, when you decide to let go of a person, it means that you love that person less or you have learnt to love yourself more.

We are never ready, we just get exhausted, we just give up and before we know it, we have actually and unconsciously let go of that person- a long time ago; it was just our subconscious mind and false hopes and dreams which did not see it occurring. It was not actually our fear of losing the person; apparently, it was our fear of being alone, fear of the advent sadness, fear of family and peer pressure, fear of loneliness, fear of being single, fear that nobody will love us again, fear that you might have let go of someone who was meant for you...well, these are some of which we are not ready to let go of. Do you have what some call "a support system" or "support group"? It is very essential when you are trying to let go. Most people with a support system or group-family, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.,- find it easier to let go. As I mentioned, sadness of being alone and loneliness are the reasons why we are not ready to bid farewell-not the person. One important lesson that I have learnt is, when and while you are in love and busy sharing love and sweet moments with that person, you should still find and have time to be with people you used to be with, before he or she came along; they are the same people you will run to when you are left alone.

Have you always wondered why we get stronger after each heart break? Based on a personal experience, the reason perhaps is we learn how to deal with the pain, we learn how to play with sadness, we learn how to embrace failure, we learn how to bear distress, we learn how to accept reality, we learn how to hope that love- true love will be knocking at our doors; Then we finally learn to let go of the negative feelings we have inside.  We finally learn how to accept the fact that there are people who were meant to come and go. We learn how to protect our heart. We learn how to be jaded. We learn how to value and love ourselves more. In every "goodbye" and every "letting go" we learn something that isn't taught by our parents and teachers. We become stronger and wiser.

We all have our own share of heartbreak and heartache and this does not only pertain to those who have let go of people that they had relationship or commitment with. We also let go of people we loved but did not love us back. We let go of someone who may just used to pass by our house. We may also have let go of someone who just used to sit across our seat in the library or school cafeteria. We may have let go of a boss we secretly fell in love with. We may have experienced letting go of someone who did not reciprocate the love we have given or shown, whether it was a stolen moment or not. 
However, one day we wake up from the fantasy, that he or she may love us back, we realize that that person was never into us, we find out that he or she is actually in love with our best friend, we find out that he or she is taken. We find out that from the very beginning, it was like kissing the air-pointless. We get hurt and break down. We expected and somehow anticipated for that day when he or she finally loves us back. That expectation, that anticipation, gives us the reason to ache. So we try to escape from the prickly sensation in our heart, having nobody to blame but ourselves. That is what I meant; it is not the person that we are actually ready to let go of- it is the pain and the negative feelings he or she brings. 


In the process, when we haven't yet learnt how to let go of the person, we usually cry quiet tears-yes, when we are in pain, when our heart is nothing but broken, we have nothing to do but cry all the tears until we are tired, until it has dried up everything that there is- or there was. We cry until we have nothing to breathe anymore. It is okay to cry. It is healthy for our souls to cry.  “Tears” is like rain washing away the dirty air, washing away our sorrows and shattered hopes. It helps lighten the burden that our heavy heart is carrying. The tears we shed is a sign of slowly letting go. And then we are ready.

While trying to let go, take the moment to feel the pain. Taste every bit of the bitterness. Embrace the sadness and sorrow. Reflect on everything that happened. Think of what went wrong. Savor the flavour of the heartache it has caused. Stop lingering on the sweetness gone. Try to analyze the situation. Open your eyes and look forward. And move on. It is not easy. In fact it will be very difficult. It will not be easy; but nothing is really easy in this world; it is just a matter of how you will face it, it is how you will accept the situation. Right, it is just a matter of accepting that you were not really meant to be. Then move on and heal. Remember, if you get into another or a new relationship without healing yourself, there is a big possibility that your relationship with the new person will end up to letting go. Move on and heal "alone" with people who really and truly love and appreciate you unconditionally. Learn.

I always move on and heal after each letting go, but have you ever heard of the "post letting go syndrome"? I guess not because I just invented it. We are just human beings, we have feelings and regrets. Whenever we break up and let go of someone, we move on and heal and probably meet somebody or perhaps decide to be single for a while. You were on the stage in your life where you have totally forgotten him or her, when you suddenly or accidentally bump into each other at the mall or at the subway station. He or she was there holding somebody's hand. He or she says, "Hi, how have you been? You are looking good. Oh, anyway, this is _ _ _, my boyfriend/girlfriend."; you give a sweet smile and say "I am good and it was good seeing you!".---- Later that night you stay in your bed crying and reminiscing the happy times with him or her or you go to a bar nearby to drink. You get confused. You would remember the incident earlier, when you collided into each other and say to yourself, "That man/woman could have been me. That guy/girl was supposed to be me!"; and you wouldn't get over it until you start telling your friends and everybody about the bumping-into-my-ex-and-his-new-one incident-This is what I call the "Post Letting Go Syndrome". This is when "love" has nothing to do with it anymore. It is more of your ego. Or maybe you just wanted to make an issue out of it. Let go, move on, and be happy being with the new person in your life or being single. Remember? You went through hell with that person. Now, do you want him/her back? Okay...so let go...COMPLETELY. Let go of the past and consider it a lesson. Let go and LEARN from it.


When we decide to let go of someone, it is not because we are ready to do so, but it is simply because we have given more importance to our feelings and ourselves; It is simply because we have realized (unconsciously) that life is better without him or her; It is simply because you have realized your worth. When we decide to let go of someone, we have also decided to let go of our insecurities. We have also decided to open that cushioned cage and chose to be free to become the person we used to be-beautiful and full of vigor.


I compare the process of letting go or "the art of letting go" to an artist trying to work on an oil painting on canvas-very detailed, a lot of effort needed, and it takes a while before you finally see it's real essence and beauty. 
And when we are finally done, we smile and proudly say:
"At last, it's over. I did it..."


J.Perfinan






“Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.”- Oprah Winfrey

Copyright Illustration from GOOGLE Image

and this is me...

I am never ashamed of who I am...I may have different colors; perhaps one at a time or it may be many, I can be a rainbow, but like a chameleon it changes depending on the color of the person in front of me. I know how to adjust to situations and places but like a rubber band, I can only stretch that far. I am never afraid to make mistakes because from these mistakes is where I learn to be a better person; mistakes are like sunshine and water; they help me grow... I am not afraid to do and be what I want, after all life is too short to allow things to pass me by...I am not shy and afraid to love anyone I choose to do so, whether he or she loves me back or not; love is the most beautiful feeling  and the most precious gift that I can give in this one and only lifetime...it is the purest emotion one can share. I get angry when I am, why shouldn’t I? even God gets angry...I laugh and cry when I am happy, I cry and laugh when I am sad...and I choose to be numb and pretend that I isn’t feeling anything if I want to; especially if someone will be glad to see me mad or sad; or if someone will weep when I seem to be joyful and happy; otherwise why should I keep what I feel? I express it because it is my privilege as an individual, as a human being. we were not given the gift to feel, just to suppress our emotion, unless you want to go crazy…no one , not anybody has the single right to dictate my emotion or to teach me how and what I should feel. I respect other people’s burst of emotion so I expect mine to be respected...I have my own principles and I will always stand by them for whatever it is or whatever I decide to or decide on...I am always ready to face the consequences of my action and still learning how not to escape when I have no where to run...you can tell me I am right...you can tell me I am wrong...but you have no right to decide for me...I am the captain of my ship, if I sink and I fail, there will be no one to blame but me.

I am quite outspoken and I am aware of that, so your honesty is always welcome so that I am not indebted to you and you to me-what I am trying to say is, you can always tell me what you think about me…I try my best not to hurt feelings and not to hurt others, but if you have caused me pain in a number of times, it is natural for me to absorb your actions and I would think it is fine and possible to hurt you too-in return I will hurt you more. I am not Jesus, I am not God, so if you throw a stone on me, I will keep my bread and throw knives on you. I may be a pushover but this is because I don't want to turn down people I love. However, I only have all mine to give, once you ask for more, more than what I have, I will not be comfortable anymore, I will leave without saying goodbye, otherwise a painful goodbye...and even if I am a pushover, it doesn't give you the power to abuse me...

I have my own share of stupidity and there are still so many things I do not know, so expect me to ask questions sometimes, I mean a lot. I will be a hypocrite if I say I am an innocent but I will be a liar if I say I am not an ignorant sometimes-what I mean by this is, I expect people around me not to know everything, but everyone should learn the art of asking questions in a way that you will not look stupid. what I mean again is, search for the answers first by the use of resources. I was not the very bright one at school but I wanted to shine, so I searched and developed where I can excel; where I enjoy doing the most. I stood not where the sun was, for they were crowded, so even if they shone, it was confusing to identify them. instead, I stood where the rain fell so that the sun will reflect on it and will bring me the rainbow. it’s easier to notice the rainbow than the sun, for the sun is always there but the rainbow comes when least expected- what I mean about this is, we are not the only people in the world but stand up and be who you want to be by doing what makes you happy. happiness, I believe is the key to success…be someone, be something, be unique and respect other people’s differences; respect mine. I will respect yours.

whenever I meet someone in this journey called life, I make sure that I leave my footprints behind; bad or good? it depends on how you have treated me... I am a reflection of what you are to me...what you are to me, is what I am to you...hate me and I will hate you back, love me and I will love you more...I am not a very confrontational person, but I fight back and believe me you wouldn’t want to see me mad...however, feel bad and insulted if I ignore your rants, it means I don’t care about you and you are not worth my time…if I whine, it means I am overworked or abused…you can ignore me too and I will feel bad and insulted…well, it should not only be you to feel bad and insulted, am I right? it’s your right to take revenge and mine as well.

the worst about me, is my pride. “sorry” is the hardest word for my mouth to utter, but when I do, consider it as pure and true as a 24 karat gold, for it takes me thinking, courage and a whole lot of effort to say so. I am not perfect, neither are you; I don't always do what is right, but I don't always do wrong things either...treat me right, treat me fair because that is what I deserve, vice versa…nobody in this world is greater than the other; we are all equal so I expect to be treated fairly… and believe me I have mastered the art of respecting people and their individuality.

as a daughter, I have a lot of short coming; but have you ever heard that experience molds us to whom we are and whom we shall be? that explains why I am too independent and strong; my parents had short comings too, and I thank them for that…it made me a better woman.

I am also weak; my weakness are people…so imagine how much I value people in my life that I have chosen to keep…the only sad thing is I keep a few,  very few. the saddest thing is, I burn bridges…I turn away from people for some reasons…even if you were once one of those I chose to keep…

as a sister, I am very protective and quite generous, however, when I see that you can go on your own, I know I should let go...

 as a worker, I believe that whatever you do now, will put you on the right place in the future…so I work, not too much, but I work hard…I put my heart to what I am doing; I learn and keep learning more...and from my father I have learned to work with honesty and dignity…as much as possible I do what is right and not what should be done…at first I am loyal to myself but later my loyalty goes to whomever deserves it. I don't kiss ass because I don't like my ass being kissed... brown nosing is for people who do not believe in themselves...I believe in me...and if there are times when I lose trust in me and in what I can do, I reach the hands of those people I trust and believe in…and for those people who believe and trust in me, I can always give a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen, words of advice, mind to understand, legs to walk with at a park…plus, if they will need my eyes to be open for 24 hours just to be with them, I will not hesitate…and then I have my heart for them…a heart for me to be able to do all that I have mentioned…like I said earlier, love is the most precious gift I can offer in this lifetime…but TRUST is always a bonus…

Trust is the most important gift for me…for I only trust once, since when I am trusted, I keep it locked in my heart and try not to break it…if I fail then I don’t expect the person to trust me again…same goes here, when I lose my trust in someone, I hardly give it back, I hardly trust again… Trust compared to Love, cannot be rekindled…Giving my trust to someone once is enough, twice is too much, thrice is hardly possible…

I don’t expect anyone to please me, unless you are my lover; so I don’t like pleasing other people, again unless you are my lover…

love me or hate me, this is who I am...

and this is me…

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.
- Hellen Keller