The Art of Letting Go…

Letting go of someone who has been a part of your life is probably one of the most painful experience one could ever imagine.  I believe we are never really ready to let go of someone we love or cherish so much, because before we finally do, we go through a process-not only once, but it could be a lot. We go through painful procedures; from weakening trials to getting weary of  going through verbal, psychological, mental, emotional and sometimes physical battles. We keep fighting for that person or for the relationship or sometimes for the length of time being together; we are even blinded by the mistakes done to us, mistakes that were never corrected, mistakes that were never acknowledged; or/and more often than not, were thrown back at us. We swallow our pride for that person, until there is nothing left but the feeling of numbness.

Who among us have loved someone without sacrificing something or someone? Who among us skipped meal once or twice or more, waiting  for his or her call? Who among us went through sleepless nights after an argument? Who among us slept on tear-soaked pillow and woke up with swollen eyes from crying ourselves to sleep? Who among us felt restless when we couldn't reach his or her mobile number? Who among us went through stress eating or not eating at all, after fighting over a football game or a movie? Who among us in one way or another, felt insecure after he or she tells us, “I think you are gaining weight”. Oh well, I am pretty sure that there are more to add to this list. My point is, letting go of someone is not the issue here; the issue here is letting go of someone who is supposedly making us feel good, who should be bringing us to cloud 9 and someone who is supposed to be the reason for our happiness. We don't let go of people who give us all the reasons to live; who bring out the best in us, do we? Like what I have said, we are never ready of letting go someone we love a lot; believe me or not, when you decide to let go of a person, it means that you love that person less or you have learnt to love yourself more.

We are never ready, we just get exhausted, we just give up and before we know it, we have actually and unconsciously let go of that person- a long time ago; it was just our subconscious mind and false hopes and dreams which did not see it occurring. It was not actually our fear of losing the person; apparently, it was our fear of being alone, fear of the advent sadness, fear of family and peer pressure, fear of loneliness, fear of being single, fear that nobody will love us again, fear that you might have let go of someone who was meant for you...well, these are some of which we are not ready to let go of. Do you have what some call "a support system" or "support group"? It is very essential when you are trying to let go. Most people with a support system or group-family, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.,- find it easier to let go. As I mentioned, sadness of being alone and loneliness are the reasons why we are not ready to bid farewell-not the person. One important lesson that I have learnt is, when and while you are in love and busy sharing love and sweet moments with that person, you should still find and have time to be with people you used to be with, before he or she came along; they are the same people you will run to when you are left alone.

Have you always wondered why we get stronger after each heart break? Based on a personal experience, the reason perhaps is we learn how to deal with the pain, we learn how to play with sadness, we learn how to embrace failure, we learn how to bear distress, we learn how to accept reality, we learn how to hope that love- true love will be knocking at our doors; Then we finally learn to let go of the negative feelings we have inside.  We finally learn how to accept the fact that there are people who were meant to come and go. We learn how to protect our heart. We learn how to be jaded. We learn how to value and love ourselves more. In every "goodbye" and every "letting go" we learn something that isn't taught by our parents and teachers. We become stronger and wiser.

We all have our own share of heartbreak and heartache and this does not only pertain to those who have let go of people that they had relationship or commitment with. We also let go of people we loved but did not love us back. We let go of someone who may just used to pass by our house. We may also have let go of someone who just used to sit across our seat in the library or school cafeteria. We may have let go of a boss we secretly fell in love with. We may have experienced letting go of someone who did not reciprocate the love we have given or shown, whether it was a stolen moment or not. 
However, one day we wake up from the fantasy, that he or she may love us back, we realize that that person was never into us, we find out that he or she is actually in love with our best friend, we find out that he or she is taken. We find out that from the very beginning, it was like kissing the air-pointless. We get hurt and break down. We expected and somehow anticipated for that day when he or she finally loves us back. That expectation, that anticipation, gives us the reason to ache. So we try to escape from the prickly sensation in our heart, having nobody to blame but ourselves. That is what I meant; it is not the person that we are actually ready to let go of- it is the pain and the negative feelings he or she brings. 


In the process, when we haven't yet learnt how to let go of the person, we usually cry quiet tears-yes, when we are in pain, when our heart is nothing but broken, we have nothing to do but cry all the tears until we are tired, until it has dried up everything that there is- or there was. We cry until we have nothing to breathe anymore. It is okay to cry. It is healthy for our souls to cry.  “Tears” is like rain washing away the dirty air, washing away our sorrows and shattered hopes. It helps lighten the burden that our heavy heart is carrying. The tears we shed is a sign of slowly letting go. And then we are ready.

While trying to let go, take the moment to feel the pain. Taste every bit of the bitterness. Embrace the sadness and sorrow. Reflect on everything that happened. Think of what went wrong. Savor the flavour of the heartache it has caused. Stop lingering on the sweetness gone. Try to analyze the situation. Open your eyes and look forward. And move on. It is not easy. In fact it will be very difficult. It will not be easy; but nothing is really easy in this world; it is just a matter of how you will face it, it is how you will accept the situation. Right, it is just a matter of accepting that you were not really meant to be. Then move on and heal. Remember, if you get into another or a new relationship without healing yourself, there is a big possibility that your relationship with the new person will end up to letting go. Move on and heal "alone" with people who really and truly love and appreciate you unconditionally. Learn.

I always move on and heal after each letting go, but have you ever heard of the "post letting go syndrome"? I guess not because I just invented it. We are just human beings, we have feelings and regrets. Whenever we break up and let go of someone, we move on and heal and probably meet somebody or perhaps decide to be single for a while. You were on the stage in your life where you have totally forgotten him or her, when you suddenly or accidentally bump into each other at the mall or at the subway station. He or she was there holding somebody's hand. He or she says, "Hi, how have you been? You are looking good. Oh, anyway, this is _ _ _, my boyfriend/girlfriend."; you give a sweet smile and say "I am good and it was good seeing you!".---- Later that night you stay in your bed crying and reminiscing the happy times with him or her or you go to a bar nearby to drink. You get confused. You would remember the incident earlier, when you collided into each other and say to yourself, "That man/woman could have been me. That guy/girl was supposed to be me!"; and you wouldn't get over it until you start telling your friends and everybody about the bumping-into-my-ex-and-his-new-one incident-This is what I call the "Post Letting Go Syndrome". This is when "love" has nothing to do with it anymore. It is more of your ego. Or maybe you just wanted to make an issue out of it. Let go, move on, and be happy being with the new person in your life or being single. Remember? You went through hell with that person. Now, do you want him/her back? Okay...so let go...COMPLETELY. Let go of the past and consider it a lesson. Let go and LEARN from it.


When we decide to let go of someone, it is not because we are ready to do so, but it is simply because we have given more importance to our feelings and ourselves; It is simply because we have realized (unconsciously) that life is better without him or her; It is simply because you have realized your worth. When we decide to let go of someone, we have also decided to let go of our insecurities. We have also decided to open that cushioned cage and chose to be free to become the person we used to be-beautiful and full of vigor.


I compare the process of letting go or "the art of letting go" to an artist trying to work on an oil painting on canvas-very detailed, a lot of effort needed, and it takes a while before you finally see it's real essence and beauty. 
And when we are finally done, we smile and proudly say:
"At last, it's over. I did it..."


J.Perfinan






“Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.”- Oprah Winfrey

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