2011

"Perhaps, I am wrong for I have decided to stay away from you. You have no fault or it is not you to blame if I came up with this decision. I have my reasons; they may not be valid but they will keep me sane. I do not want to do things that may worry you; I am too expressive and I am afraid that I may not be able to control what I would always want to utter; and this will be another reason for me to scare you and make you feel indifferent. While you exist in my life, you make me feel that there is this magnetic force pulling every emotion I have for you, from inside me. I feel guilty for feeling that I have no respect on you. I have regrets. I regret my action. I could have just kept it inside. I was a fool and I was wrong for being not culture sensitive. I overestimated you, thinking that you would quickly comprehend something that has to be well reckoned. I forgot that what could be normal for me, could be deviant for you.

I feared that if I confess, you may walk away from me; it may not be immediate, but sooner or later. And I told myself that when I am ready to lose you, when I am ready to live life without your existence, then that is when I will admit the profound love I have concealed for almost three months for you. I was wrong. And now I taste the punishment for my action and savor every drop of it.

You make me strong and then you weaken me. I love you and it weakens me. It may not be the feeling of love that you think, but it is also not a mere admiration. It may be adoration or something deeper than a romantic love. I truly apologize if I look at love in a very profound way, I am sorry that I unintentionally and unconsciously expected you to understand what exactly this feeling is. You were right, sometimes we cannot explain our feelings, because it is something that cannot be controlled by a rational mind. However, let me say thank you for a short yet lovely memory that I will continue to linger on, until my time is gone. I intend to stay longer, but I believe I must leave this “moment”. Someday, I hope that you will totally and fully understand this bursting emotion. If it was quite queer for you, for me it was a very special feeling that I will forever cherish. It is a feeling that perhaps only people who dive the deeper meaning of love will understand...a deeper meaning of love which for most is called “odd”. That odd feeling was once an inspiration; it was once my motivation and once a reason for me to carry on with life’s obstacles. It was a short period but it was once the most difficult part of life, and I survived it, because of you and that odd feeling.

From today, you do not need to remember me. You need not be obliged to talk with me. You do not need to communicate with me…You can move on and not feel any longer embarrassed like what you said.

Tomorrow and in the future, I will always appreciate your existence in my life. I will always remember the month of April. Though I hate summer, it will now have a special meaning. Every summer will remind me of you and it will never be the same again.

In the future, if the door of friendship opens for us again, this time I will vow to never walk out of it anymore.

Thank you for all the happiness that you have made me feel, it was unintentional though.

Have a great life and continue to find the happiness you deserve.

Take care.”

Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence. - Dorothy Dix